March 23, 2022
You may be heading back to your hometown for the holidays, and find yourself hiding out in your old bedroom – avoiding awkward conversations with family members. You make your way on to social media, and see you have a friend request from the guy you went to highschool with that still works at the gas station. You know, the one with the eyebrow ring? You don’t accept the request, but can’t help the urge to take a gander through his social media to see what he’s been up to all these years. The rabbit hole of the old familiar faces of your hometown is deep and daunting, so here’s a few suggestions of people from your hometown that you can creep on social media – and how to get rewarded for doing it!
A classic. Who are they with now, and how different would your life be if you stayed together? That’s weird, I thought they said they hated football – but it looks like they went to the superbowl last year. Whether it was a mutual or one sided end to the relationship, this one may be best investigated with a glass of wine or bowl of ice cream nearby. Or both.
Remember when your mom took you to the mall to get you some back to school jeans and then you’d run into your mom’s best friend and they would stand there and talk for like EVER, and you would have to feign interest in conversation with their kid for just as long? Maybe that was just me…
Mr. Haynes was always a really nice dude, but he was notorious for thinking he was best friends with the students. You weren’t, man. Although your “friends in common” would suggest differently.
You got my vote, what did you do with it? You promised more options in the cafeteria, and that didn’t even happen. Were you disillusioned with politics? Because it looks like you’re now a real estate agent, that only posts to socials when they sell a house – and that doesn’t FEEL like the Greg we voted for.
This kid either thought they could get away with murder because their mom or dad wouldn’t do anything if they did, OR they had such pressure from their parents that they nearly had a nervous breakdown studying for finals in their senior year. Either way, how are they doing? 5 adopted dogs and no kids?
You two used to be friends in real life, well – highschool at least. You unfriended her on socials because the only communication you had with her was her tagging you in this terrible pyramid scheme about dish soap? Makeup? Some kind of revitalizing elixir? Whatever it is, what’s she up to?
They may or may not have been prom king / queen, but they were hometown royalty for a while. Vegas lays the odds of them having at least 4 kids at 10:1 odds, which is pretty good if you’re the gambling sort.
Old people on social media are the best. Poorly taken, poorly cropped webcam profile pic? Check. Hyperlinks to holiday recipes throughout the year? Check. The only reason you’ve limited their ability to see your profile is because they commented on every picture or post with some kind of blessing.
If it’s for fitness, or just as a hobby - I’m all for it. But you know the kid from your hometown that has at least ONE weapon in their profile picture? Swords, daggers, or anything that one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would carry – but not ironically. Take a stroll through their online persona for a nice change of pace.
Now of course hind-site is 20/20, but what were you thinking? This is a fun way to kill an hour avoiding your aunts and uncles. Imagine the two of you stayed together after the 3rd grade. Where would you be now?